for my sister

i had a panic attack the night you were born.
i'd never seen my mother pregnant before,
   and i was afraid.

you were such a tiny thing
face all covered in hair
i likened you to a little simian

"was this what was growing inside my mother for nine months and a week?"

but then i held you
and your little fists held on to my heart
they have not let go.

i had never loved someone unconditionally before
but then they put you in my fifteen year old arms
shaky though they were
   and you looked up at me
not even a day old
   and you looked up at me

almost as if you knew my heart was clearing a space for you
seven pounds, two ounces of tiny human

i had never loved unconditionally before
   and i was afraid
i thought i would have dropped you any number of times

you slept in my arms once
carefree
almost as if you knew no harm would befall you in my care
you knew what i didn't

i held you until my arms were numb
for nothing would disturb my baby's rest

you were my baby, mine
regardless of the fact that you did not come from me

i held you, and i marveled.

i held you while you took your first toddling steps
i held you while you were sick

i watched you as you learned to walk, and later run
i picked you up when you fell
i laughed and cheered as you stuttered out your first words

now, four years later
i marvel at how the time has flown by
you were born just last night

but we hold conversations on the phone
and i still hold you sometimes when you sleep
for what purpose is a big sister if not to be a life size teddy bear?

i had never loved unconditionally
but then i met you.