We pretend wonderfully

Sometimes we even believe it.

We are OK.

We are, we dare to say, fine.

We do not acknowledge the presence of the abyss

Or that we are standing at its edge,

            perilously close to falling in.

We stifle that part of us that, even while we fall, exults in the rush, the freedom from gravity.

But there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide

We hold on so tight, but we cannot deny

We live a lie.

But I

Cannot continue this way

I

Need to be free

I must

Step on the wet paint, out of that corner

I

Need

To be

Free

I no longer care if, when I sing, it’s off key

I no longer care if, when I write, the words pour onto the paper in a soggy, jumbled mess

I’m finding myself in these melodies

I’m letting go.

Too often we laugh even as we are sad

Swallow the tears, bit back the rage, move away from the fear

We are afraid to feel

Sometimes

You have to

Ramble

And rant

And rave

And vent

Your way to release

Catharsis.

Road to freedom is never smooth.

Cramps and Questions

I spent most of my day on my kitchen floor with my sister's pillow and my parents' blanket.
I spent my waking moments writhing in pain and screaming into my pillow.
"Why me, why me, why me?"
Of course, I got no response.

The pain was so physical I couldn't think of anything besides
STOP BREATHING AND DIE
But my body, traitor that it is, refused.
It decided that it preferred inexplicably excruciating pain to peace and silence.

I spent most of my day in my bra, on my stomach.
Wracked by spasms of pain so intense I can only describe them as akin to violation by a corkscrew.
Gathering my strength to roll around wailing
When I was too tired to move, I asked the man upstairs to give me oblivion already.
But alas. I'm still alive.

When I woke up that last time, I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling
Asking myself, "Is it over?"
It was.
For the moment.

Fifteen minutes later all coherent thought was obliterated.
All I could do was yell to the heavens "Why me why me why me why fucking me"
Not just because of the pain.
Why me?

Today I chose to make myself a victim.
Tomorrow the term "victim" will choose to make itself me.
Six days of torture and asking a God I refuse to acknowledge to have mercy.


Why me why me why me
Why fucking me?

--

Note: This poem was originally written on 27 May 2014. I'm republishing it here because I'm revamping the blog it was originally published on.

for my sister

i had a panic attack the night you were born.
i'd never seen my mother pregnant before,
   and i was afraid.

you were such a tiny thing
face all covered in hair
i likened you to a little simian

"was this what was growing inside my mother for nine months and a week?"

but then i held you
and your little fists held on to my heart
they have not let go.

i had never loved someone unconditionally before
but then they put you in my fifteen year old arms
shaky though they were
   and you looked up at me
not even a day old
   and you looked up at me

almost as if you knew my heart was clearing a space for you
seven pounds, two ounces of tiny human

i had never loved unconditionally before
   and i was afraid
i thought i would have dropped you any number of times

you slept in my arms once
carefree
almost as if you knew no harm would befall you in my care
you knew what i didn't

i held you until my arms were numb
for nothing would disturb my baby's rest

you were my baby, mine
regardless of the fact that you did not come from me

i held you, and i marveled.

i held you while you took your first toddling steps
i held you while you were sick

i watched you as you learned to walk, and later run
i picked you up when you fell
i laughed and cheered as you stuttered out your first words

now, four years later
i marvel at how the time has flown by
you were born just last night

but we hold conversations on the phone
and i still hold you sometimes when you sleep
for what purpose is a big sister if not to be a life size teddy bear?

i had never loved unconditionally
but then i met you.

in time, my friend,
you too will have a story to tell
a story of a man who gazed into the abyss
gazed steadily even as it winked flirtatiously

a story of a man who embarked on a
  solo journey to find himself

a story of a
   boy no more

in time, my friend,
you too will claw your way back
   to the marvelous light
by way of sheer strength of will

but for now, my friend,
content yourself with your dreams
   of a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel
content yourself with memories of those who
   have gone on before
   and are waiting to welcome you
   with open arms
   and an open smile

remember, you do not walk alone.

angry god.

angry god
blotting out all light from the world

give us the sun, o deity

forgive us, father, for we know not what
   we have done.

angry god
ripping the fabric of the sky into so many tiny pieces
   that our finite minds cannot comprehend

give us the stars, o deity

be merciful unto us, o god,
   according to thy lovingkindness

angry god
churning the waves into a boiling frenzy

give us the sea, o deity

according to your great compassion,
   blot out our sin

angry god
breezing through our world yet beyond our mortal sight

give us the wind, o deity

remember, lord, your great mercy and love,
   for they are of old

angry god
do not treat us as we deserve

you are compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger,
   abounding in love.

Big Girls Cry

What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see a
Tough girl in the fast lane
No time for love, no time for hate
No drama, no time for games?

You see my exterior
None of you would know that I'm a lonely girl in a lonely world
I may be a tough girl
But my soul aches

Day in, day out, the same meaningless routine
I come home on my own
Check my phone, nothing though
Act busy, order in, pay TV
It's agony...

I am "tough" and so I am battered like titanium
I am not tough, and so I am dented like rusted zinc sheets
Rusted zinc sheets which have been silver sprayed to a shine
But the rain is falling while you dent my armor and douse me in liquid salt
I may cry, ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you've taken
Here you are, screaming bitter nothings in my ear
You remind me that I've appearances to maintain
That I purport to be a big girl so I must cut the crap
But I don't care if I don't look pretty
And big girls cry when their hearts are breaking...

I perch precariously atop the world
Delicate balancing act, I must not be overturned
Nothing up here but the unforgiving winds of cold isolation
It's lonely at the top....blackouts and airplanes
My pain goes to your head like a snifter of bubbles
But I've got appearances to keep up
So I still pour you a glass of champagne

I'm a tough girl....whose soul aches.

Chandelier

Party girls don't get hurt
I guess I'm not a party girl then...
I try to drown it all out
Can't feel anything, when will I learn?
I push it down, I push it down...
Inside, I'm just a dark mess
But outside it's a totally different story
I'm the one "for a good time call"
I'm Miss Congeniality
I'm the one with tons of friends
Phone's blowing up, ringing my doorbell
I feel the love
I feel the "love"...

Shot after shot after shot
Anything they've got at the bar
Alcohol is poison, they said
But there are things inside me I need to kill
1,2,3,1,2,3, drink
1,2,3,1,2,3, drink
1,2,3,1,2,3, drink
Throw 'em back till I lose count...

I'm a smart girl
But sometimes I do dumb things
Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame...

Shot after shot after shot
Whatever they've got at the bar
Alcohol is poison, they said
But there are things inside me I need to kill
Cuz I'm just holding on for tonight
Won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
Cuz I'm just holding on for tonight

Help me, I'm holding on for dear life....