Cramps and Questions

I spent most of my day on my kitchen floor with my sister's pillow and my parents' blanket.
I spent my waking moments writhing in pain and screaming into my pillow.
"Why me, why me, why me?"
Of course, I got no response.

The pain was so physical I couldn't think of anything besides
STOP BREATHING AND DIE
But my body, traitor that it is, refused.
It decided that it preferred inexplicably excruciating pain to peace and silence.

I spent most of my day in my bra, on my stomach.
Wracked by spasms of pain so intense I can only describe them as akin to violation by a corkscrew.
Gathering my strength to roll around wailing
When I was too tired to move, I asked the man upstairs to give me oblivion already.
But alas. I'm still alive.

When I woke up that last time, I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling
Asking myself, "Is it over?"
It was.
For the moment.

Fifteen minutes later all coherent thought was obliterated.
All I could do was yell to the heavens "Why me why me why me why fucking me"
Not just because of the pain.
Why me?

Today I chose to make myself a victim.
Tomorrow the term "victim" will choose to make itself me.
Six days of torture and asking a God I refuse to acknowledge to have mercy.


Why me why me why me
Why fucking me?

--

Note: This poem was originally written on 27 May 2014. I'm republishing it here because I'm revamping the blog it was originally published on.

for my sister

i had a panic attack the night you were born.
i'd never seen my mother pregnant before,
   and i was afraid.

you were such a tiny thing
face all covered in hair
i likened you to a little simian

"was this what was growing inside my mother for nine months and a week?"

but then i held you
and your little fists held on to my heart
they have not let go.

i had never loved someone unconditionally before
but then they put you in my fifteen year old arms
shaky though they were
   and you looked up at me
not even a day old
   and you looked up at me

almost as if you knew my heart was clearing a space for you
seven pounds, two ounces of tiny human

i had never loved unconditionally before
   and i was afraid
i thought i would have dropped you any number of times

you slept in my arms once
carefree
almost as if you knew no harm would befall you in my care
you knew what i didn't

i held you until my arms were numb
for nothing would disturb my baby's rest

you were my baby, mine
regardless of the fact that you did not come from me

i held you, and i marveled.

i held you while you took your first toddling steps
i held you while you were sick

i watched you as you learned to walk, and later run
i picked you up when you fell
i laughed and cheered as you stuttered out your first words

now, four years later
i marvel at how the time has flown by
you were born just last night

but we hold conversations on the phone
and i still hold you sometimes when you sleep
for what purpose is a big sister if not to be a life size teddy bear?

i had never loved unconditionally
but then i met you.

in time, my friend,
you too will have a story to tell
a story of a man who gazed into the abyss
gazed steadily even as it winked flirtatiously

a story of a man who embarked on a
  solo journey to find himself

a story of a
   boy no more

in time, my friend,
you too will claw your way back
   to the marvelous light
by way of sheer strength of will

but for now, my friend,
content yourself with your dreams
   of a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel
content yourself with memories of those who
   have gone on before
   and are waiting to welcome you
   with open arms
   and an open smile

remember, you do not walk alone.

angry god.

angry god
blotting out all light from the world

give us the sun, o deity

forgive us, father, for we know not what
   we have done.

angry god
ripping the fabric of the sky into so many tiny pieces
   that our finite minds cannot comprehend

give us the stars, o deity

be merciful unto us, o god,
   according to thy lovingkindness

angry god
churning the waves into a boiling frenzy

give us the sea, o deity

according to your great compassion,
   blot out our sin

angry god
breezing through our world yet beyond our mortal sight

give us the wind, o deity

remember, lord, your great mercy and love,
   for they are of old

angry god
do not treat us as we deserve

you are compassionate and gracious,
   slow to anger,
   abounding in love.